U.S. — In what dispenser experts are calling an “exciting step forward for waste and frustration,” United Dispensers, LLC announced that this year’s model will dispense either 50 napkins or 0 napkins with a millimeter of tearaway trash for increased irritation.

“We hope restaurants will see this as a wonderful opportunity to drive their customers to madness and despair,” said Jared Lawson, Chief Exasperation & Design Officer for the nation’s oldest napkin dispenser manufacturer while speaking to members of the press. “If you already charge extra for guacamole, ranch, or a ‘COVID-19 Cleaning Surcharge’ even though it’s 2022, this is your next step.”

“Making people grab napkins one at a time didn’t slow consumption like we had hoped it would – bold customers would just take off the lid and even timid customers would two-hand the napkins to get an adequate number.” Lawson proceeded to explain the finer details of “release speed” and “maximum tension” technology, but members of the press tuned out before he arrived at the randomizing feature that will surprise customers with an outright explosion of napkins or a small shred and broken fingernail.

At publishing time, these dispensers are required everywhere in California.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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