WASHINGTON, D.C. – The walls are closing in on former President Trump. In an explosive bombshell unprecedented star witness testimony yesterday, Cassidy Hutchinson told everyone that she heard Mark Meadows say that a Secret Service agent’s friend’s cousin’s husband once heard that one of Trump’s other aides said she thinks she heard him say he wanted to “do an insurrection.”
“Yes, that’s totally what I heard someone say Trump said to someone who told it to them,” said Cassidy Hutchinson. “He literally said ‘Let’s do an insurrection.’ And then he threw a plate at the bust of Martin Luther King.” Hutchinson then started sobbing uncontrollably.
The committee confirmed that the Secret Service agent’s friend’s cousin’s husband who heard the aide say what she thought she heard is “an upstanding witness of the most unassailable character.”
“This is looking really bad,” said conservative folk hero Adam Kinzinger. “This might finally be the beginning of the end for Trump, who we are discovering was the evilest president to ever be elected.” Kinzinger then started sobbing uncontrollably.
The hearings are expected to heat up even more next week when the committee brings in Johnny Depp to testify – according to sources close to Johnny Depp’s agent’s cleaning lady’s great aunt.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.