VATICAN CITY – Pelosi visited St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome to receive communion this week, but left the entire city in an uproar after she drank all the wine and left no communion for anyone else.

Witnesses say Pelosi wrestled the chalice away from the priest who was offering it to her and emptied the whole thing before grabbing another chalice and guzzling that one too.

“I’m a bold protector of women’s rights! I deserve this!” she yelled out, according to sources. “I’m a practicing Catholic! Good morning! Sunday morning!”

Sources confirmed that once Pelosi was finished, there was no communion wine left for the 1,200 people still waiting in line to receive it. Pelosi’s husband stayed behind to ask for some communion in a to-go cup.

At publishing time, local authorities found Pelosi passed out in an alleyway. It was unclear whether it was because she had taken the cup in an unworthy manner and brought judgment onto herself, or because her blood alcohol was four times the legal limit.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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