WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cassidy Hutchinson, a former assistant to Trump-era Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, testified Tuesday at the Jan 6 committee hearing that Trump cried out ‘Witness me!’ while jumping from the presidential limo to sacrifice himself in a fiery explosion that destroyed the Democrats’ war rig.

Hutchinson testified to having overheard an unnamed Secret Service agent talking to White House janitor Odor Malone about another agent who claimed to have seen the whole thing happen in a vision.

“The president said, ‘[unintelligible] I’m the president! I came here to commit literal treason!’ and then he grabbed the car’s wheel,” Hutchinson said. “Then he hauled himself up to the roof of the limo and dove headfirst into the other vehicle.”

“And there was an explosion?” pressed Rep Liz Cheney.

“Yes, the Democratic war rig was split in half and Representative Ocasio-Cortez was killed.”

At publishing time, the Jan 6 committee has canceled all future hearings after discovering they are making Trump more popular.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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