THE HAGUE — In an unprecedented move to curb emissions and save the planet, the Dutch government has outlawed food. Farmers are being warned to stop producing planet-killing meat and vegetables before it’s too late for Mother Earth to recover.

“When we thought about what was harming the planet the most, we realized it was our own citizens,” said local magistrate Luuk Kneynsberg. “Humans eat food. Food kills the planet. We realized if we just starve everyone to death, the planet will be saved! Brilliant!”

“Yeah, we didn’t expect The Netherlands to go this far,” said EU Commission President Ursula von der Leyen. “But we really admire their dedication. Way to go, guys!”

Farmers are being ordered to stop using fertilizer and get rid of their livestock by a set deadline, or their land will be confiscated and awarded to government officials. Farmers have responded by being really, really, mad — a response that has been met with universal condemnation. “How dare they be really mad!” said Kneynsberg.

The Dutch government is negotiating with the farmers, offering them a complimentary pod to live in and a lifetime supply of bugs in exchange for their livelihoods.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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