GURNEE, IL — Local man Bob Bean, who pays 39% of his income to the Federal Government, celebrated his status as a free man living in America this weekend.

“Yeah boy! Land of the free!” said Bean, who spent almost half of his working hours last year to make money to pay the government in exchange for not going to prison. “It’s so good to be a citizen breathing the free air of the United States.”

Sources say Bean pays taxes to live on land that he owns, buy things, sell things, drive his car, go fishing, run a business, hire workers, and fund “Drag Queen Story Hour” at the local library. He claims that these things are necessary evils that are part of living in a free nation. “Who would build the roads?” he says.

Experts say that while America has a bloated federal government and onerous taxes, it is still the greatest place on earth to live, bar none.

At publishing time, Bean celebrated reaching the final step of the $300 permit process to put a rain barrel in his backyard.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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