Are you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You’ll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that’s in store for you.

Here is a definitive list of items you must take to college with you:

  1. Extra internal organs to trade for tuition: One kidney alone will cover 3 credit hours!
  2. $8,000 cash: For books! Oh, you thought your tuition covered books? AHAHAHAHA!
  3. Extra change of pronouns: No one uses he/him or she/her anymore. Get with it!
  4. Several changes of extremely ugly, unattractive clothing: So you’ll fit in with all the other GenZ kids.
  5. DIY abortion kit: You’ll need at least 3 or 4.
  6. Cat ears for some reason: Everyone’s doing it.
  7. Acoustic guitar and ability to play one song: Everyone will love you!
  8. Small fan, reusable water bottle, pencil case, and durable book bag: To sell for beer money.
  9. Magneto helmet to keep professors out of your head: Helmet hair isn’t a problem because you’ll never want to take it off. Ever.
  10. #2 pencil: To poke your eyes out during the cafeteria’s drag show.
  11. A completely new identity for when you first get canceled for telling a politically incorrect joke on social media: No one is immune.

NOT SATIRE: Praxis is a year-long apprenticeship program that matches you with a full-time, paid job at a growing company. The program offers a direct route into high-potential careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Want to learn how it works? Click here for our free program guide + as a bonus, we’ll send you our book on personal growth that’s helped hundreds of young adults get ahead.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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