https://babylonbee.com/news/going-to-college-heres-what-you-need-to-pack-for-the-fall-semester-this-year/

Are you registering for classes for the upcoming fall semester at a prestigious and expensive university? You’ll need to prepare for a cutthroat world of higher education and poverty that’s in store for you.

Here is a definitive list of items you must take to college with you:

  1. Extra internal organs to trade for tuition: One kidney alone will cover 3 credit hours!
  2. $8,000 cash: For books! Oh, you thought your tuition covered books? AHAHAHAHA!
  3. Extra change of pronouns: No one uses he/him or she/her anymore. Get with it!
  4. Several changes of extremely ugly, unattractive clothing: So you’ll fit in with all the other GenZ kids.
  5. DIY abortion kit: You’ll need at least 3 or 4.
  6. Cat ears for some reason: Everyone’s doing it.
  7. Acoustic guitar and ability to play one song: Everyone will love you!
  8. Small fan, reusable water bottle, pencil case, and durable book bag: To sell for beer money.
  9. Magneto helmet to keep professors out of your head: Helmet hair isn’t a problem because you’ll never want to take it off. Ever.
  10. #2 pencil: To poke your eyes out during the cafeteria’s drag show.
  11. A completely new identity for when you first get canceled for telling a politically incorrect joke on social media: No one is immune.

NOT SATIRE: Praxis is a year-long apprenticeship program that matches you with a full-time, paid job at a growing company. The program offers a direct route into high-potential careers for driven young people without the cost and hassle of college. Want to learn how it works? Click here for our free program guide + as a bonus, we’ll send you our book on personal growth that’s helped hundreds of young adults get ahead.


Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.


Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

You Might Like
Learn more about RevenueStripe...