LANSING, MI — According to sources, local retriever Buddy has decided to graciously allow his owners to sleep in his bed whenever they want.

“Oh yes! They can sleep in my bed! They can ALWAYS sleep in my bed! They are very, very nice!” said Buddy to a local dog-whispering reporter. “The tall one takes me for WALKS! And the short one gives me food that I EAT! I will let them stay in my bed and I will guard them and keep them warm and wake them up and go for more walks and eat more food forever and ever and ever!”

Buddy confirmed that through some sort of grave miscommunication, he used to sleep in a small cushion on a crate until everyone realized the king-size memory-foam mattress in the big bedroom was actually his. “It was just a mistake, they didn’t mean it. I will forgive them,” said Buddy.

Buddy also confirmed that a third tiny human also likes to climb into his bed at night and he doesn’t mind, as the tiny human always gives him treats the next morning. “Tiny human can always sleep in my bed!” he said.

At publishing time, the family cat claimed the bed was actually hers and that he would soon lay claim to it after killing everyone.

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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