JERUSALEM — The Apostle Paul has demanded that his critics stop “deadnaming” him, explaining that he used his Hebrew name “Saul” before his transition to Christianity but switched to his Roman name “Paul” as a Christian evangelist traveling in Gentile regions.

“Intentional ‘deadnaming,’ using the name from a previous identity, is just insensitive and rude! – it has become a thorn in my flesh!” Paul spoke out during his trial before the Sanhedrin, going on to tell the Jewish religious leaders that they needed to “educate themselves” and “do better” at acknowledging his new identity in Christ.

“It’s Paul! It’s PAUL!” yelled the apostle at someone standing nearby who had accidentally used his deadname. “How hard is it, people! I HAVE RIGHTS! AFFIRM MY NEW IDENTITY!” The gathered authorities then agreed to make Paul leave town as he was “insufferable.”

At publishing time, chaos broke out when members of the Sanhedrin’s tribunal began calling for Paul’s execution at what they perceived was his call for sinners to receive “conversion therapy.”

Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He’s doing his best to keep his chin up.

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