The entire contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.

Here are the 12 most shocking and humiliating revelations from Hunter’s laptop:

  1. His desktop was covered with over 200 icons: And his recycling bin had never been emptied. Gross!
  2. His default search engine was set to Bing: The smartest man Joe Biden knows? It would appear not!
  3. The email app had over 1,038,202 unread emails: The mark of a psychopath.
  4. He’s watched Netflix’s Cuties over 1,200 times: Perfectly normal behavior. Nothing to see here.
  5. The hard drive contained multiple copies of Shrek the 3rd: This just gets worse and worse.
  6. He never finished installing Covenant Eyes internet filter: He could have avoided all this trouble.
  7. He had 5,276 browser tabs still open: They were all porn.
  8. The Candy Crush app only shows him at level 6: But he’s completed Barbie’s Magic Hairstyler several times and unlocked all the achievements.
  9. He paid for over 19 years of Norton, and never turned it on: Thankfully, that bill was paid by a Chinese firm who also ensured it was never turned on.
  10. He always “replied all” on emails: And always remembered to cc the “Big Guy.”
  11. GPS data shows he spends several dozen hours at Chuck E Cheese per week: Nothing suspicious about that!
  12. The FBI is probably at his door right now to arrest him for drug dealing and underage sex trafficking: Oh — they aren’t? Huh. Maybe they’re just really busy today.

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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