WASHINGTON — The January 6th hearings ended early last week when a custodian knocked on the door before poking his head in to request that the January 6th Committee clear out for the next group on the schedule.
“So this is how democracy dies — with a rude interruption from an insensitive janitor,” Rep. Adam Schiff spoke in a somber tone and with a slow shake of his large head, according to eyewitnesses.
Reports confirm that custodian Jeff Williamson had drawn the short straw when the staff drew straws to determine who would have to break the news. “We thought they were the adult mock trial league, or maybe some kind of boring cosplay like my nephew does,” Williamson said to reporters after receiving confirmation from Liz Cheney that they were “almost done” and thanking the D&D players waiting outside for their patience.
Responses from the media have been mixed, with The Washington Post calling the development “a setback for democracy itself,” but The Atlantic taking a more optimistic view, hailing it as “another tragedy caused by President Donald Trump — and another opportunity for this great democracy to show its resilience.”
At publishing time, Liz Cheney led a somber procession out of the room, saying “how dare you” to the D&D players waiting to start their 9-hour campaign based on the events of January 6th.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.