WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Elizabeth Warren has decided to take matters into her own hands in the war against crisis pregnancy centers, personally smacking free resources away from pregnant women when they leave.

“Not today, paleface!” shouted Ms. Warren as she tackled a pregnant mom, wrestling away her prenatal vitamins. “And what are these, free ultrasound pictures? How dare they!” she continued, ripping apart the pictures in front of the woman. “Always remember how I just saved you from pregnancy center abuse!”

Senator Warren has declared an all-out crusade against crisis pregnancy centers, accusing them of not offering to kill babies. “These vile, so-called Christians offer free prenatal care, counseling, and support for years after birth – without even ONCE offering to murder the baby!” said Ms. Warren as she hid in the bushes. “Women should never be allowed to choose where they go for prenatal care, or they might want to be in a place that values the life of their baby! We must crush the support system for vulnerable women until there is nothing left for them but government-run abortion mills. To arms!”

With her legislation currently stalled to stop pregnancy centers from providing free car seats, Ms. Warren has begun stripping the seatbelts out of cars parked in the pregnancy center parking lot. She has also set up an “abortion teepee” on the front lawn and has committed to chasing down every pregnant woman with a tomahawk and offering a free abortion.

At publishing time, Ms. Warren was seen dumping free baby formula from the clinic into the Potomac while screaming “women’s rights!”

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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