PROVIDENCE, RI — According to the results of a new study conducted by Brown University, exactly 100% of work meetings ever held in all of human history, across all industries and sectors, have been entirely unnecessary.
Researchers followed careful criteria while observing real-life business meetings to understand what constitutes a successful meeting. Successful meetings, they said, would qualify as a valid use of time. Researchers took detailed notes on employee engagement, follow through on meeting action plans, and whether or not meetings were actually about something. In all meetings observed, none met the criteria of a successful meeting and were thus deemed a complete waste of time.
“My team sat in on over 3,000 meetings. All of them met with disaster,” said Dr. Ansul Sundilhop. “I, myself, once witnessed a meeting in which the person who called the meeting had no idea he had done so. Employees sat quietly for twenty minutes waiting for someone to speak before giving up and returning to their workstations.”
“The amount of data we’ve put together from this study has been astronomical. I really hope it’ll help businesses improve their efficiency and work relationships,” he added.
Highlights from the study include:
- Over 83% of meetings end with employees confused about who does what.
- 45% of meetings feature a sleeping employee.
- Employees invited to mandatory work meetings are 91% more likely to experience suicidal thoughts.
- Over half of all meetings are put together so that one ambitious employee can show off to their boss that they can run a meeting.
According to sources, business leaders have taken the results of the study to heart and are currently holding meetings to brainstorm alternatives to meetings.
“There must be something we can do,” said Amazon CEO Andy Jassy. “I’m going to have to put the finest members of my team together to figure this out!”
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.