NEW YORK, NY — Multiple Waffle House locations have been forced to close their doors permanently following an uptick in public safety and a drastic reduction in crime. The Waffle House locations were simply no longer able to function in pristine, well-funded areas that their customers were not used to.

“After careful consideration, we are closing some stores in locations that have experienced a low volume of challenging incidents and crime that make it TOO safe to continue to operate,” a Waffle House spokesperson explained. “We’re forced to reevaluate and search for communities that jeopardize personal safety, have increased levels of mental illness and drug use, and areas that are overall more run down.”

“The thrill is just gone, whenever I go to the Waffle House now,” said local patron Davis Hoffman. “These streets are completely crime-free, the local area doesn’t look run down, and I don’t even feel like I need to lock my car anymore. It’s no longer an authentic Waffle House experience.”

At publishing time, Waffle House announced that they have purchased 16 recently shut down inner-city Starbucks facilities in high-crime areas in hopes of remodeling them into Waffle House restaurants.

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