GLENDALE, CA — This week, Kurt Ivanson of Point Of Faith Tabernacle warned the congregation that his next song would be an original. The congregation has reported bracing for a very painful 7 to 10 minutes.

“His heart’s in the right place…but some of these songs have 6 verses, plus a surprise bridge!” Local congregant Amanda Christianson kept her voice down while talking with reporters covering the situation. “Last Easter, he played an original about the resurrection and didn’t stop weeping from the fourth verse until the end!”

A few congregants tried to join the unpredictable melody on the first verse, but Ivanson scolded them to listen to the first two verses and both choruses first, so the congregation could learn the song before joining. Ivanson also altered the number of measures between each verse and chorus for variety, causing some congregants to start singing early, admitting later that they “fell for the oldest trick in the book.”

At publishing time, members of the congregation continued what reporters have called “a valiant fight” to keep up with a bonus key change where Ivanson led the harmony but not the melody.

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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