WASHINGTON, D.C. — After hearing about Alex Stein’s public applauding of Hispanic hindquarters, Senator Ted Cruz walked back and forth in front of him today, hoping to score a compliment on his own butt.
“Oh no, I dropped my binder again!” said Cruz, slowly bending over in front of Stein. “Clumsy me. It’s just this big Latino backside sometimes throws me off balance. Better do some lunges to keep it in form!”
Although a confident man, Mr. Cruz admitted to reporters that even he sometimes needs a little physical affirmation. “It’s nice to have the votes of millions of Texans,” said Mr. Cruz. “But sometimes, you just want to know that you can still get cat-called by a construction crew. Believe it or not, these hips used to salsa like Shakira back in my Harvard days.”
Stein made headlines recently after loudly applauding Representative Ocasio-Cortez’s posterior as she walked up the Capitol steps. An enraged Ocasio-Cortez called the police five times, then tearfully told her Twitter followers that no one should suffer such vile harassment when trying to do their job. She then directed all of her followers to go scream violent threats at Justice Kavanaugh while he tried to eat with his family.
At publishing time, Senator Cruz was doing “downward dog” in yoga pants on the Capitol steps, hoping Alex Stein might walk by.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.