The Boston Tea Party was a totally based political protest that took place on December 16, 1773 as a way of speaking out against taxation without representation — but let’s face it — the tea got the raw end of that deal. We enjoy a good tea every now and then!

Here’s what we should have dumped in Boston Harbor instead:

  1. Earl Grey the person, not the tea: That guy was the worst.
  2. Those smutty Canterbury Tales: Believe it or not, this trash is still available in school libraries.
  3. Fries that are called “chips” and cookies that are called “biscuits”: You are the author of confusion, King George!
  4. The extra “U” the British keep sticking into words: What the heck is a “colour?” Are you having a stroke?
  5. Aristocratic titles: If you like nobility and sophistication so much, get some Kardashians!
  6. That evil guy from The Patriot: If he was thrown into the harbor Heath Ledger would still be alive today.
  7. Inferior British knockoffs of great original American products: Like The Office and the English language.
  8. Prince Harry: Don’t tread on me, you fop!

And that’s it, patriots. If all these things were cast into the sea the world would be a much brighter — and less British — place. USA! USA! USA!

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In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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