The Boston Tea Party was a totally based political protest that took place on December 16, 1773 as a way of speaking out against taxation without representation — but let’s face it — the tea got the raw end of that deal. We enjoy a good tea every now and then!
Here’s what we should have dumped in Boston Harbor instead:
- Earl Grey the person, not the tea: That guy was the worst.
- Those smutty Canterbury Tales: Believe it or not, this trash is still available in school libraries.
- Fries that are called “chips” and cookies that are called “biscuits”: You are the author of confusion, King George!
- The extra “U” the British keep sticking into words: What the heck is a “colour?” Are you having a stroke?
- Aristocratic titles: If you like nobility and sophistication so much, get some Kardashians!
- That evil guy from The Patriot: If he was thrown into the harbor Heath Ledger would still be alive today.
- Inferior British knockoffs of great original American products: Like The Office and the English language.
- Prince Harry: Don’t tread on me, you fop!
And that’s it, patriots. If all these things were cast into the sea the world would be a much brighter — and less British — place. USA! USA! USA!
NOT SATIRE: Tired of buying sugary drinks and coffee from large woke corporations? Throw a tea party! Gold River Trading Co. is an American company that offers premium alternatives for Americans who enjoy a delicious cup of tea.
Start your day with Gold River’s invigorating American Breakfast Blend, cool down with a pitcher of crisp & refreshing Iced Tea, or unwind with Chamomile Herbal tea. Explore a variety of high-quality blends and enjoy a healthy, flavorful beverage from an American company that shares your values.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.