NEW YORK, NY — In a ruling experts believe to be particularly heavy-handed, the comedy writers who were arrested in June at the nation’s Capitol have been cruelly sentenced by a heartless judge to keep writing for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

Witnesses say the sobbing defendants begged the judge for mercy after the sentence was passed down. One writer grabbed his lawyer’s pen and tried stabbing himself in the jugular.

“I can’t take another day writing lectures for Colbert!” Yelled one writer while being dragged from the courtroom. “I’ll take months of waterboarding over sitting in the writers’ room, surrounded by posters of Dr. Fauci, and listening to Colbert read the day’s jokes faxed in from the White House! Nooooooo!”

COVID/Climate/Race enthusiast Stephen Colbert expressed relief at the sentence, as it would make up for the severe shortage of incoming resumes from writers, claiming such a shortage was caused by supply chain issues or something.

At publishing time, Colbert had welcomed the new inmates back to the writers’ room and got their creative juices flowing with a lighthearted reading of James Comey’s A Higher Loyalty.

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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