WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden released a short video message to the American people in which he vowed to power through his mild Coronavirus symptoms and continue ruining the country over Zoom.
“My fellow Americans,” Biden began. “You may be worried about me because I’m the oldest president in the world, but do not fear! Look, Jack, COVID ain’t going to keep me from destroying American prospects. I had a yellow set up a computer for me at home so I can personally damage the country over Zoom. Not a joke.”
Both Republicans and Democrats have criticized the president for what they are calling inappropriate comments. Republicans pointed out that Biden’s words were tantamount to dereliction of duty and Democrats were upset that he was making them look bad. Biden shot back by calling everyone “super fat” and threatening to do push-ups until he was dead.
“Look, here’s the deal,” Biden said later in an Instagram video. “If you didn’t want the country to burn you shouldn’t have voted for me. Come on, man!”
Former President Trump commented on Truth Social that Biden was showing his true colors. “Biden has the spirit of evil upon him. Verily, I see trouble in our future. Lo, mayhap I shall run again to slay this dragon, believe me. Everyone says so,” Trump truthed.
Biden has gone dark in the public arena following his two messages to the American people. Reports indicate, however, that he is more active than ever behind the scenes because he enjoys stalking female aides around the White House with his new telepresence robot.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.