GARDEN CITY, KS — Brethren Plumbers, a local plumbing operation known for shoddy work, has denied unethical use of religion in their business dealings despite having a business card prominently featuring an Ichthys, also known as a “Jesus fish.”
“I was drawn to them because they’re Christians,” said Robert Quint, a sad excuse for a man who can’t even do his own plumbing. “But now I’m starting to think they’re just using the fish to make themselves look really honest. It’s so hard to find a plumber that won’t rip you off so you see a Christian and think they must be on the level.”
“Not these guys!” he continued. “They said they would fix my toilet, but instead they dug a hole in my bathroom floor and broke my water line. I had to call the atheist plumber down the street to fix it.”
Brethren Plumbers has an average two-star rating on Yelp. Customer reviews read more like a list of grievances detailing how the plumbers either didn’t complete repairs or made matters worse. A majority of reviews end by saying, “but at least they’re good Christian boys.”
At publishing time, Michael Mudd, the owner of Brethren Plumbers, overhauled the company van to feature a giant Jesus fish design. He’s already received 4 weeks-worth of new work from the advertisement.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.