SHREVEPORT, LA — During a meeting about an “exciting opportunity”, Emily Levin became progressively more anxious as her old high-school friend Taylor Selick continued to assure her that this work-from-home business was not, in fact, a pyramid scheme.

“So you can see from this chart, that the company structure is definitely, positively, not a pyramid,” said Mrs. Selick. “We start by building out a base of people below us who buy into our product line, in a very non-pyramid sort of way. Did I mention this isn’t one of those pyramid schemes?”

As Mrs. Selick continued her explanation of how to recruit people into your “triangle of influence”, Ms. Levin remembered why she had muted posts from her old friend. “I should have known better,” said Ms. Levin afterwards. “I just moved back to town and am trying to rekindle some friendships, but I should have started running as soon as I saw the pantsuit.”

At publishing time, Ms. Levin had reportedly agreed to buy a “Startup Pack” from Mrs. Selick in exchange for never having to hear about her business opportunity ever again.

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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