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We get it. It’s hard to read the divinely inspired word of the creator of the universe. He’s so judgy! But, since your salvation might depend on it, you better get some great excuses ready to share on judgment day.

Here are some of the best excuses for not reading your Bible:

  1. You just went to church last month and don’t want to overdo it: You don’t want to be an extremist!
  2. It’s not as encouraging as Your Best Life Now: Joel Osteen’s prose is to die for.
  3. If you take your eye off the Hot Pocket you’re microwaving for one second it might burn: And then you’d be hungry! God wouldn’t want that.
  4. You already watched The Chosen: It’s so hard to get into a good book if you already know how it ends.
  5. Those 900 Korok seeds in Zelda: Breath of the Wild aren’t going to collect themselves: Finding Korok seeds is a metaphor for finding Christ probably.
  6. You’re Donald Trump and don’t need forgiveness: He has never done anything wrong, ever.
  7. You’re still recovering from the story of Ehud: Enough to give anyone PTSD.
  8. You misplaced your copy and new ones are so hard to find: You have to walk all the way to the back of Barnes & Noble.
  9. The Jordan Peterson lecture on Genesis you watched has you covered: Up yours woke moralists! We’ll see who cancels who from paradise!
  10. It’s not like the Bible is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work, or anything like that: ‘Cause if it were, you’d definitely meditate on it day and night.

NOT SATIRE: Daily Time with God Made Easy. Want a FREE resource to help you make the most out of your time with God? Sojo Academy is a global online community where women are mentored to have a deeper relationship with Christ. With practical spiritual growth resources that work, you can dive deeper into God’s word and connect with others and with Christ in fresh ways. Get one of their most popular spiritual growth resources from them for free!

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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