GENEVA — A panel of Bible scholars has issued a joint statement about what the afterlife holds for unbelieving introverts. The international panel of academics has confirmed that instead of hell, unsaved wallflowers will be sent to an eternal business networking event.
“Upon passing away, the brooding loner will awaken in a conference booth surrounded by an infinite sea of badge-wearing networkers trying to make eye contact, lure them in for small talk, and exchange business cards.” Dr. Trè François-Davíd, the French-Swiss scholar who led the panel conducting the study, spoke on behalf of the scholars.
Other scholars from the study described the psychological torment for unrepentant sinners who renew their energy from being alone. “The dread sets in when someone comes over to talk and a line of people who also want to talk forms behind them, stretching to infinity.” Some members of the assembled press shuddered as the joint statement was read, describing being unable to break away from a droning talker, only to be pulled back as the talker’s monologue entered its second overtime.
At publishing time, scholars confirmed that normal Hell is filled with type-A extroverts, who promptly set the place on fire.
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.