Even with the COVID-19 restrictions lifted, Americans have been slow to return to church. Churches need to appeal to a broader, more diverse population if they hope to compete! To that end, here are some woke Sunday School songs that children and their woke parents will love:
- “Zacchaeus Was A Vertically Challenged Non-Birther” – If the short-tempered Peter Dinklage heard about the “Wee Little Man,” he’d be a little Grumpy.
- “Count Your Points Of Intersectionality” – Name them one by one, then collect reparations and affirmative action promotions. You cis white males busy “counting your blessings” need not apply!
- “When The Insurrectionists Go Marching In” – It’s important that kids always remember the day democracy almost died.
- “This Little Mask Of Mine” – I’m gonna let it shine, unless I’m pulling it down so you understand me asking “Where’s your mask?”
- “Father Abraham Had Many Children Whom He Allowed To Determine Their Own Gender” – It’s good that Father Abraham knows he’s not a biologist, but the name still sounds patriarchal – we’ll look into it.
- “Be Careful Little Mouths What You Tell Your Parents” – Be careful little eyes to pay attention at the drag queen story time, too – and remember, what happens in the classroom stays in the classroom.
- “I Have Decided To Follow COVID Guidelines” – Jesus didn’t even wear a mask. If he won’t sacrifice himself for others, why follow him??
- “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” – This one’s about a globalist totalitarian paradise ruled by either Klaus Schwab or the antichrist – glorious!
- “His Banner Over Me Is A Rainbow Flag” – Love is love, people – but remember, some loves are more equal than others.
- “The White Man Built His House Upon Land He Stole From Indigenous Peoples” – Sing out, kids – let the hate flow through you!
Now go out and sow disunity and dissatisfaction. Remember to sing “Jesus Loves Me” – unless you’re white!
In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.