WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a COVID scare last week, administration staff are reassuring the country that President Biden is on the mend. According to White House coordinator Dr. Ashish Jha, the President slept well, ate his breakfast, and had a full diaper this morning.

“Joe is doing very well,” said Jha. “He ate all his applesauce, his graham crackers, and even his carrot sticks! And then he had three really good, healthy bowel movements. Completely filled his diaper. Then he took it off and showed me how full it was. And it was full. That’s a great sign of a healthy president if I ever saw one!”

At the announcement, the press pool erupted in cheers and tears of joy and relief.

The White House team further explained that if Biden goes to bed on time and takes all his vitamins and antipsychotics, he should be back on the job very soon.

UPDATE: The President’s health has regressed as he didn’t get his second nap today.

In a collaboration with The Babylon Bee, Professor Gorb McStevens lists all the countries where communism hasn’t turned into a totalitarian hellscape where you have to eat your dog.

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