WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans face a difficult choice this week, as Democrats have introduced a bill to save puppies but attached billions in unrelated spending. Conservatives may propose amendments, but hesitate to oppose the bill since it is named “If You Don’t Vote For This You Hate Puppies.”

“Small-government conservatives aren’t sure about the $800 billion price tag, but we do want to save puppies – the Democrats really put us in a corner with the bill’s name.” Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke to members of the press today, confirming he has requested extra time for deliberation so conservatives can figure out how to request adjustments to the bill without the “bad optics” of seeming to oppose saving puppies.

Critics have decried “pork barrel spending,” citing specific earmarks that “seem fishy.” These earmarks include $35 billion for funding gender studies programs in Middle Earth, $12 billion for “advancing equity” through mandatory abortions, and $20 billion in aid for developing areas like Haiti, Naboo, and California. The Republicans who have pointed out that these projects seem fake, however, have been criticized as puppy-haters.

Democrats have since introduced additional spending bills with creative names, including the $1.3 trillion “Why Would You Want Bin Laden To Come Back?” bill and the $2 trillion “Vote Yes Or You Have Children’s Blood On Your Hands” bill. As of publishing time, all Republicans congresspeople other than Rand Paul have already confirmed their support.

Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

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