KABUL — Biden is demanding answers after a precision drone strike in Afghanistan actually killed a real terrorist leader named Ayman al-Zawahiri instead of a car full of innocent children, as is tradition.

“Come on, folks, we all know what drone strikes are for,” said the angry President to an LOL Surprise Doll he mistook for a member of the press. “We conduct drone strikes to kill civilians in the Middle East in hopes of stirring up multigenerational hatred for the U.S. which will lead to endless war and help feed the military-industrial complex! How on earth did this actual terrorist get caught up in the mix?!”

Sources in the CIA revealed they briefly deviated from the standard procedure of killing innocents with Hellfire missiles to kill a terrorist, as Biden’s poll numbers are down and people like it when presidents kill terrorists.

“The death of this austere religious scholar, while tragic, could produce a 3 to 4 point bump in Biden’s approval ratings in time for the midterms,” said Fitch Biggenslimes, a columnist for the Washington Post. “That’s what really matters here.”

Government officials assured the president they will return to their normal business of blowing up chai tea cafes and busses full of aid workers this week.

UPDATE: New reports confirm Ayman al-Zawahiri is still alive and the precision strike actually killed a busload of orphans.

Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

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