OCEANSIDE, CA — A local man has been taken up directly to heaven after managing to miraculously stop a gas pump exactly on the “.00” while filling up his car, sources say.

“I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” said one bystander while looking up into the clouds. “I saw both the price and the gallon count end on a whole number ending in ‘.00’ in a moment of transcendent beauty the likes of which my eyes have never seen. I felt the forces of the universe fall into perfect alignment. Then I saw the man close his eyes peacefully as a voice from Heaven said ‘It is time, my son.’ And then the man floated into the clouds on a golden beam of light. I will never forget what I just witnessed.”

According to sources, millions around the Earth have tried to accomplish the elusive feat of perfectly whole numbers on gas pumps, but no one has managed to accomplish it until now.

“He was too powerful… the world was not worthy of him,” said the bystander. “Before he departed into glory, I asked that a double portion of his strength might be passed on to me. I vow to use this power for good.”

Witnesses say the man left behind no trace except for a Biden “I DID THAT” sticker on the gas pump.

Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube

You Might Like
Learn more about RevenueStripe...