HEAVEN — After living a life of poverty famously dedicated to evangelization, Saint Anthony asked God today what on earth he did to now deserve an eternity of looking around for people’s keys and cell phones.
“I can’t go five freaking minutes without someone asking me to ‘please come down, as something is lost and can’t be found.’ I’m exhausted!” said a beleaguered Saint Anthony. “It’s been eight-hundred years straight of looking under beds and rummaging through couch cushions! Why Lord? WHY ME??”
Despite serving as the vessel for some of the most profound sermons ever recorded, after Saint Anthony’s canonization word quickly spread of his skill for finding lost items. “Early on, people asked for Saint Anthony’s intercession in more important matters, like finding lost souls,” said church historian Dr. David Andrews. “However, people quickly got bored with that and started just asking him to locate lost crap around the house. To be fair though, St. Anthony really does excel at helping with both lost souls and eyeglasses.”
While sympathetic, the Lord has reportedly not released Saint Anthony from his task. “Sadly, it’s the closest some people get to talking to their Creator,” said the Lord. “Even the silliest encounter with a Saint may be brought to good. Also, it’s pretty funny to watch. Now be off!”
At publishing time, Saint Anthony was reportedly being called down by approximately 9,732 husbands frantically searching for their wallets.
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