HEAVEN — After once again finding herself with fourteen million messages asking for prayer, the Blessed Virgin Mary decided to finally just set her voicemail to forward directly to Jesus.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to pray to my Son on your behalf,” said the Holy Mother. “But geez, I’m not omnipresent or omniscient like Him, ok? Fielding several million prayer requests a day is kind of taxing. Momma needs a break!”
The Blessed Mother stated that she began to consider forwarding her voicemail after seeing her most recent Screen Time update. “Last week I literally spent 99.9% of my time here in Heaven on the phone, listening to prayer requests – and I only got further behind,” said the Blessed Virgin. “It’s just not healthy to be on my phone that much. I think the blue light is really starting to affect me.”
Though the set-up of her receiving prayer requests has caused much consternation down on Earth, the Blessed Mother has promised to not give it up entirely. “I know that people asking me to pray to my Son has caused a ton of confusion lately,” said Holy Mary. “You have people who have taken the idea much too far, leading to idolatry, and pulling Christians away from my Son. And, you have people who angrily misunderstand how such contemplation and conversation with me can, in fact, bring people closer to my Son. I really hope putting my messages on automatic forwarding for a bit will help everyone calm down about me, as we all worship Christ together.”
At publishing time, Protestants and Catholics decided the plan was silly and planned to fight about Mother Mary even harder.
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