WASHINGTON, D.C. — A White House insider confirmed today that the Bidens’ German Shepherd Major has been running the country during the president’s COVID isolation period. Government insiders are already praising the dog for overseeing the most action-packed two-week period of the Biden presidency.

“Major has been doing a fantastic job destroying the country in President Biden’s absence,” said black gay press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “The nation couldn’t be in more capable hands…er, paws.”

Speaking from the Oval Office, Major Biden addressed his recent legislative achievements. “The last few years have been pretty ruff for Democrats,” he said. “We’ve been chasing our tails for quite some time now, so it’s about time someone threw us a bone.”

Major Biden spoke at length about how he was able to garner support for the Inflation Reduction Act from holdouts Krysten Sinema and Joe Manchin. “I wish I could say I didn’t roll over and beg, but that would be a lie,” he noted. “Hey, sometimes you have to sniff a few butts to get ahead in Washington.”

Many Democrats are already calling for Joe Biden to step back and let Major run as the 2024 Democrat presidential nominee. Jean-Pierre said the party has made arrangements for President Biden to live out his final years at a nice farm upstate after he steps down.

At publishing time, acting president Major Biden had just called in a drone strike against a squirrel’s nest in a tree on the White House lawn.

Michael Simmons’ doctor tells him he’s obese and needs to lose some weight – but the patient has the perfect comeback: he’s pregnant!

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