ST. LOUIS, MO — After hearing another cry to the Almighty over a broken McDonald’s ice cream machine, the Lord sent an angel to reassure believers that in Christ’s Kingdom the machines will at least work the majority of the time.

“Behold! I bring you glad tidings of great joy!” said the angel to a terrified host of McDonald’s patrons. “When the Son of Man comes into His Kingdom in glory, when every tear is wiped away, so too shall the ice cream machine at McDonald’s start working! Well, at least like 67% of the time. Hallelujah!”

The few gathered in the McDonald’s broke into songs of praise, filled with awe and wonder at the news. “Can you imagine?” said local man Reggie Burris to his wife Carolyn. “One day, in our glorified bodies, coming to McDonald’s and being able to – more often than not – get a McFlurry? As that song says, I can only imagine!”

As news quickly spread of the angel’s appearance, theologians began to debate the meaning of his proclamation. “At first, we were puzzled why, when everything is perfected, the ice cream machine will still only work some of the time,” said seminary professor Dr. Mark Gould. “We believe that God is showing humanity that the greatest good for us is actually in the never knowing whether or not you will get a tasty treat at McDonald’s. God is willing in Heaven the preservation of that mystery and surprise, while also willing much more ice cream.”

At publishing time, a few theologians were arguing that McDonald’s could not exist at all in the new earth, but those unfortunate people had forgotten the unmatched taste of McDonald’s french fries.

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