CANA — After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet.

“Can I get something sweet, but not like, too sweet?” asked Abigail to the Lord of all Creation. “Ugh, I just can’t decide. I usually like vodka, but not whiskey. Maybe something kind of pineapple flavor? Can you do that?”

Abigail’s request, the first of its kind in history, was destined to be repeated by millions upon millions of bridesmaids at every wedding ever held in this and other universes. Knowing this, Jesus kindly told Abigail that He was simply saving the wedding and did not perform miracles to make people’s favorite drinks. He did, however, tell Abigail that bridesmaids who make that specific request will always be pleased with their order, without fail.

Fortuitously, the bride dragged Abigail away at that moment to join her for the ancient, counter-intuitive ritual of women dancing at weddings to Beyoncé’s “All My Single Ladies”. Afterwards, the bridesmaids formed a circle and one by one performed the eyes-closed, quasi-shimmy dance that originated amongst Israelites in the days of Jacob.

At publishing time, Abigail had reportedly tried the wine and said it was indeed “so good”, and that she would definitely order it again.

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