HATFIELD, PA — According to sources, local CPA Jefferson O’Malley recently purchased a $1,000 driver that would “totally fix his game.” Sources confirm that the club has indeed improved his ability, as he can now hit the ball an additional 30-40 yards farther into the woods.
“I had tried everything, even paid for individual lessons! I had all but given up when I saw this driver!” O’Malley expressed confidence that the new driver would take his game to the next level, adding that it was his birthday week and he wanted it. He also elaborated that the driver’s aerodynamics would help him “grip it and rip it” a record distance to land right onto the green, though eyewitnesses say the likelier outcome is that the ball will crash deeper into the thick underbrush on either side of the fairway.
Documentation from the local golf course confirms that O’Malley has completed the “Fix Your Golf Swing With These 83 Simple Steps” class they offer, and several of the retirees who watch the driving range for 3-4 hours each afternoon have corroborated the high level of effort O’Malley puts into the sport. “He puts in hours and focuses on fine-tuning, but discipline alone won’t get you to the next level – ‘it’s the club that makes or breaks the golfer,’ I always tell my wife.” Grizzled golf veteran James Corey sucked on a soggy cigar while speaking to reporters, reiterating that the distance gained by a better club was what mattered, even if the ball sliced right during every single hit.
At publishing time, O’Malley was seen fishing around in the bushes for his ball.
FBI agents Scoulder and Mully hold a press conference where they reveal the incriminating evidence found in Trump’s safe. This raid was definitely justified.