WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon has announced they will be making the new Monkeypox vaccine mandatory, but just for the Navy.

“After careful research into how Monkeypox is spread, we have determined the Navy to be at dire risk,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “The other branches, meh – should be fine.”

The Pentagon became aware of the acute danger Monkeypox presented after the entire crew of the U.S.S. Harvey Milk tested positive last week. “That ship is something out of a nightmare, it’s like a haunted house right now,” said physician Dr. Ryan Walter. “We heard reports of the first case last week, then all of a sudden – boom! The whole ship goes down. Quite the medical mystery.”

The new mandate comes on the heels of the Defense Department losing tens of thousands of soldiers who declined the COVID vaccine. “In a time of historic recruitment struggles, we remain committed to losing even more desperately needed servicemen,” said Secretary Austin. “Any mandate we can put in place to further weaken military readiness, we are there. Let’s be real though, the Navy actually needs this Monkeypox shot.”

At publishing time, Navy servicemen had replied to the mandate saying it’s “not funny” and that no one will obey any more orders from Secretary Austin “until he takes off that stupid face shield”.

FBI agents Scoulder and Mully hold a press conference where they reveal the incriminating evidence found in Trump’s safe. This raid was definitely justified.

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