Dr. Fauci is throwing in the towel on public health like an absolute quitter. But don’t count on the good doctor to fade into obscurity. He’s just getting started on his second act.

Check out these ten exciting new career possibilities for America’s doctor:

  1. CNN Anchor: Host of the revamped Reliable Sources!
  2. Game Tester for The Sims 5: Torturing Sims 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.
  3. Film Director: Making a documentary about painting a self-portrait of him starring in a documentary.
  4. Pitching Coach: He’s already a natural at showing baseball players what not to do.
  5. Propagandist for North Korea: This might be challenging for him since he’d have to worship someone other than himself.
  6. Business Owner: We hear Bill Gates is interested in a partner to open a small local virus microbrewery.
  7. Dog Walker: Although he might not bring them back.
  8. Nursing Home Director: It’s easy! Just pile all the bodies in.
  9. Muppet Voice Actor: He’s a natural.
  10. Library Clerk: At the prison where he’s serving a twenty-to-life sentence.

The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:

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