BRYN ATHYN, PA — Pennsylvania voters are on the edge of their seats today as Senate Candidate Mehmet Oz has promised to reveal one weird trick to getting crushed in a Senate race by a violent stroke victim.

“Once I show you this little-known secret, you too will be able to lose a race for political office, even if your opponent is a violent racist who chases down black joggers with shotguns and recently had a stroke and can barely talk!” said Oz to a group of supporters. “Stay tuned after the commercial break to find out how!”

Experts are speculating what Oz’s secret to being such a bad Republican candidate might be. Possibilities range from frequent gaffes and cringeworthy campaign commercials to him being a left-wing progressive. “It’s quite possible that his past outspoken support for abortion and radical gender ideology might be hurting his chances with voters who don’t like abortion and radical gender ideology,” said one political consultant.

At publishing time, Oz had also promised to reveal 10 ancient secrets for burning belly fat without dieting or exercising to anyone who votes for him.

The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:

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