BEIJING — Sources at the CIA have determined it is in the best interest of the United States that they publicize intercepted recordings of a high-profile meeting among China’s top government officers, proving that China is worried TikTok has made Americans even dumber than they intended.
The editorial team at The Babylon Bee has decided to publish a portion of the meeting below. Reader be warned: the scope of TikTok’s stupidifying of the American people may be too disturbing to read.
CHINESE SPY #1: Chairman Xi, welcome to the command center for TikTok: Operation Ameridumb.
XI JINPING: Thanks for having me, I like how you’ve decorated the walls with giant portraits of me.
CHINESE SPY #2: You flatter us, sir.
XI JINPING: So what’s all nonsense about TikTok being too powerful?
CHINESE SPY #1: Unfortunately sir, TikTok has become highly effective at making Americans stupid.
CHINESE SPY #2: Too effective, sir.
XI JINPING: That’s great news! Those Americans have outwitted us at every turn due to their hard work, deep patriotism, and brilliant minds.
CHINESE SPY #1: Sir, you don’t understand…they’re too stupid.
CHINESE SPY #2: Beyond stupid, sir.
CHINESE SPY #1: American stupidity is so high because of TikTok, it is spreading to other countries like a virus.
XI JINPING: Impossible. TikTok is strictly censored here in the mother country. We’re safe…right?
CHINESE SPY #2: Sir, they’ve forgotten their genders.
CHINESE SPY #1: And they think Monopoly money is real.
CHINESE SPY #2: They seek wisdom from celebrities.
CHINESE SPY #1: Chairman, they gave their nuclear codes to a rutabaga.
XI JINPING: Great Mao’s Ghost, what have we done? Can we stop it?
CHINESE SPY #1: It’s too late. Our people are already infected, becoming morons.
XI JINPING: How so?
CHINESE SPY #2: We let them watch movies from the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
XI JINPING: The Chinese censored versions, right?
CHINESE SPY #2: …
XI JINPING: The Chinese censored versions, RIGHT?
CHINESE SPY #1 …no sir, the American versions.
XI JINPING: God help us all.
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State: