NORTH POLE — Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared live via satellite from the North Pole on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° to push back at the recent assertion by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis that he was an elf. He also expressed concern about DeSantis possibly being the abominable snowman.

“I resent DeSantis’s implication that I am an elf!” shouted America’s doctor while wearing tiny shoes and a pointy cap at his North Pole home. “And I find it doubly offensive that he said someone should toss me across the Potomac, a river 100 feet to 11 miles wide. Even the greatest dwarf toss on record is only 11 feet 5 inches! You have to follow the science!”

“DeSantis is nothing more than a bully. Maybe he thinks everyone around him is small because he’s a giant who eats reindeer!” the grumpy elf shot back.

According to sources, Fauci ended the televised interview early because of a prior obligation to appear before an elf council to discuss his authorization of gain-of-function funding to Chinese elves.

Dr. Fauci has also asked that people stop calling him a dentist. “I am not a failed doctor,” he said. “No, really!”

The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:

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