We applaud you for stepping up and allowing the government to take your money and invest it in the education of complete strangers, just as good and faithful Christians should.
But it’s easy to start to feel disconnected from the people you’re generously helping as the government forces you to help them. We want you to remember the “human element”, so we thought it would be a good idea to profile a few of the grads whose loans you’re paying off.
Here are just a few of these less fortunate grads who went to really expensive schools you’re helping out:
Name: Chloe Martin
Major: Gender Studies, emphasis on trans issues
Bio: Chloe grew up in the Hamptons and chose to go to Boston University “because it was, like, pretty and stuff.”
Hobbies: Smashing the patriarchy, smashing windows for racial justice, and smashing right on dating apps.
Career: N/A because “careers stand for a system of heteronormative, capitalist whiteness” – and the whiteness of most resumes makes hir shrink away hissing.
Name: Riley Adams
Age: 27 but identifies as 11!
Major: Teacher’s Education
Bio: Tho loves helping young people discover their identities and so much more, including sharing about thomself!
Hobbies: Mailing puberty blockers to minors in states where it’s illegal.
Career: 1st-Grade Teacher
Major: Implanting endoparosidoitic embryos into hosts.
Bio: Hailing from the planet Xenomorph Prime, XX121 has can lull victims into complacency before pouncing, taking them to the Xenomorph Queen – in other words, great with kids!
Hobbies: Hissing, shrieking, bleeding acid.
Debt: $200,010 – but will settle for 4-5 live human hosts.
Name: Phoenix Blade
Major: Social Work
Bio: Areas of research interest include advocacy, volunteering
Hobbies: Advocacy, volunteering, and making a difference for the underprivileged through strategic hashtags and well-manicured posts.
Career: Online Activism
Name: Remi Williams
Major: Political Science, Corporate Law
Bio: Remi missed an 11-day stretch of work while screaming at the sky after January 6, and was fired and replaced with a white male. Since then, ai has been striving to promote diversity and inclusion by reporting white people to HR for their violent and triggering skin color.
Hobbies: Women’s economic empowerment, splintering white fragility.
Name: Kendall Wright
Age: Decline to state because “math represents systemic silencing of underprivileged voices”
Major: History Of Manspreading, Mansplaining, And Manterruption
Bio: Passion for inclusive activism
Hobbies: Throwing bleach on the crotches of men who manspread on the subway, in church pews, or in their own houses.
Career: Victim’s Advocate
Name: Reginald Abernathy III
Major: Financial Planning
Bio: Reg’s favorite joke is that he works “half-days” at the firm – “7 AM to 7 PM.” The student loan transfer was applied to him in error, but he didn’t notice because he thought the $10,000 influx was part of his daily bonus for stock portfolio performance!
Hobbies: Wine tasting, tennis, golf.
Career: Senior Private Equity Advisor
Name: Bill Paxton (no relation)
Major: Eastern European Art History & Romantic Fiction
Bio: Went to Rome to find herself and never returned
Hobbies: Swim diving. Checkers.
Career: Professional gambler
Welp, there they are. Which one is your favorite? Try to collect them all, and trade with your friends!
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State: