BOCA RATON, FL — Authorities responded to a level 5 event in Boca Raton Friday after Ben Shapiro casually strolled through a Whole Foods Market, resulting in the death of thousands.
The popular political commentator and founder of The Daily Wire had a “hankering for some peaches” when he stopped by earlier in the day, say survivors who witnessed the horrific event.
“He walked in like it was no big deal — like he wasn’t the Jewish face of white supremacy!” wailed Julia Lacrosse, a 23-year-old twin-spirit dragonkin who had been shopping for her cat. “I could feel it in my bones as I was being triggered. Like he was raping me by just being on the other side of the store!”
According to sources, hundreds in the store that day dropped dead as Shapiro walked by them. Others fled the store in a panic but their escape would be only temporary. Whole Foods was only the epicenter of what turned out to be a massacre along a three-mile radius. Chaos spread down the streets of the once peaceful city. Distracted drivers pancaked into each other, driven by a maddened panic that invaded their hearts. Metal tore through flesh and bone, glass shattered, and there arose a great cry throughout all Boca Raton, such as was not like it before, nor shall be like it again.
Whole Foods has since apologized for the incident with a heartfelt tweet in which they stated, “We are very sorry. Ben Shapiro briefly visited our store to buy some food. Though we do not control his actions, we take full responsibility for the thousands of lives lost.”
The manager of the Whole Foods Market on 15th Avenue has since hung appropriate signage on the building to warn that a triggering event had recently taken place there. Their sanitation rating also dropped to a B.
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State: