While today’s churches seem to have tons of positions and pastors for everything, in the Bible, there are only a few church offices outlined: elder, deacon, and sound guy. Each of these has lofty qualifications to ensure that the person who carries out these tasks is a godly man of character.

If you want to be a church sound guy, you need to demonstrate the ability to:

  1. Display the wrong lyric slide for every single verse and chorus. – Never, ever display the right lyric. And if you do, put it up at least 17 seconds late.
  2. Turn off the background singers without them knowing. – “You sound great, Chloe!”
  3. Lie with a straight face when the bass player asks if he’s on in the house. – “Yeah, I got you turned all the way up, Kyle!”
  4. Endure hundreds of glares from the congregation even when it’s not your fault. – “What?! What’d I do?!”
  5. Help the church secretary print PDFs over and over again. – “Again, Gertrude?”
  6. Cue up the laugh track at each of the pastor’s jokes. – You gotta make him seem funny – no easy task.
  7. Randomly adjust knobs, sliders, and dials so it looks like you know what you’re doing. – You gotta make yourself seem competent – no easy task.
  8. Secretly play video games in the sound booth the whole service. – Might we recommend Chrono Trigger?
  9. Be the backbone of the entire operation and never get a single word of thanks. – Unlike the worship leader, who basks in the adoration.

Sounds like a sweet gig!

The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:

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