LILY CREEK, MI — Local man Frank Quincy is 33 years old but still pictures every character in the Bible as a talking vegetable, sources close to the man confirmed earlier this week.

“Every time I read the account of Daniel in the lions’ den, I just can’t help picturing him as a low-polygon, anthropomorphic cucumber,” said Quincy, shaking his head, as he flipped through the book of Daniel. “And over here in 1 Samuel, I can’t help but envision David as a tiny little asparagus fighting a big ol’ pickle. And he’s got… boxing gloves for some reason?”

Well, a new study finds Quincy is not alone. According to research presented by the Sitbench Research Institute, up to 92% of adults associate historical figures in the Bible with various vegetables.

“It’s pretty remarkable,” said head researcher Terry Pendleton. “Nine in ten adults say they think the defenders of Jericho were tiny little peas with French accents. They also mistakenly believe they poured purple slushies on the Israelites, who were, of course, also vegetables.”

“And almost 100% of U.S. adults picture Nebuchadnezzar’s idolatrous statue as a big, chocolate bunny. Very strange.”

It’s unclear where this misconception came from, but researchers say they’re 95% confident that the people in the Bible were not actually tomatoes, cucumbers, or any kind of blueberry.

The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:

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