BOSTON, MA — According to a study by the Institute for the Advancement of Birthing Persons (the IABP), there has been a steep increase in women delaying actual birthing until they are out of college, employed, settled down, infertile, and dead.
“I’m not ready for a husband and children just yet,” said 28-year-old Lizza Lottadolla to reporters. “I thought I would be ready when I finished college and had a good job, but then it’s so expensive to have a fancy car and high-end apartment in the city that I’m just going to have to focus on my career until I am infertile and possibly dead.”
According to the study, even though women now prefer to be called ‘birthing persons’ and ‘chest feeders’, most women have no plans to actually give birth until they have enough money set aside to pay for a large home, private schools, European vacations, and their share of the national debt which should take about 90 years for most people with uteruses.
Not everyone is willing to be so responsible as to wait to have children until they are mostly dead.
“I’ve always been a rebel,” confessed 22-year-old Jenni Smith. “My husband and I are expecting our first baby of maybe 8 or 10, Lord willing! We knew it might be wise to wait until we were infertile or dead to have children, but we decided to just do the unnatural thing and let God decide when we would become parents even if it means not having a lot of fancy stuff.”
At press time, the IABP had announced a name change to the Institute for the Advancement Of Persons Who Could Give Birth If They Didn’t Wait Until They Were Infertile Or Dead (the APWCGBITDWUTWIOD).
The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State: