Brought to you by Patriot Mobile:
If you’re reading this you’re probably feeling pretty white and guilty right about now. Never fear! We’ve got some great tips to help you cleanse your shame and live your best life today! And even if you aren’t white, you’ve probably been infected with a few pounds of whiteness that you need to drop.
Follow these tips to drop that white guilt like it’s hot:
- When you play pickup basketball, always let the black guys win: We know you could school them, but take it easy.
- Paint your face black to honor your African American allies: Follow Justin Trudeau’s excellent example.
- Allow indigenous tribes who originally owned your land to camp out in your tool shed any time they want: Make sure your tool shed is OSHA compliant to avoid lawsuits.
- Throw out your mayonnaise and mild hot sauce: You must repudiate the ways of the white man.
- Get “1619” tattooed on your forearm: However, you’ll have to stop flexing while saying, “Welcome to the gun show!” Words are violence.
- Punch a white guy: Your black friends will now know you’re an ally.
- When you see a black person at the grocery store, ask him to forgive you for generational oppression: If he agrees to forgive you, explain that it was a trick question and forgiveness actually “perpetuates whiteness”, then offer to educate him so he can do better.
- Find a Mexican person and ask for permission anytime you want to go to Taco Bell: Do NOT ask them if their Abuela invented the Mexican Pizza.
- If you see an African American in danger DO NOT HELP THEM: You don’t want to be labeled a white savior.
Wow! What great tips! I can feel the pounds of white guilt melting away!
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The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State: