GASPARILLA ISLAND, FL — Fox News personality and host of Tucker Carlson Tonight was informed by his doctor today that his look of befuddlement is permanent. Sources close to Mr. Carlson have confirmed that he had not heeded his mother’s admonition: “If you keep making that face, you’ll get stuck with it, young man!”

Carlson’s wife was reportedly dismayed by the news. “I’ll never see him smile again!” she wept while Tucker stared with a blank, yet frustrated look in the background. “His mother warned him all the time when he was growing up not to make that face and now — now he keeps staring at me with that blank look of utter confusion as if he’s waiting for me to say something stupid!”

Tucker Carlson has been noted for listening intently to his guests, with his body language and facial language conveying absolute attention without a shred of commitment. Mr. Carlson has also been praised for his ability to listen to canned talking points and then deconstruct their assumptions and inconsistencies with relentless focus, paving the way with an expression of lowered eyebrows, head cocked to nearly 90 degrees, and a mouth gaping open at 50% capacity.

At publishing time, Tucker was forced to verbally acknowledge the severity of his conviction after his doctor became frustrated by Tucker’s befuddled expression.

The California Dream ain’t what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:

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