We sent our Babylon Bee investigative journalists all across the country to find out which walk-up songs famous pastors are using to hype up the crowd as they leave the on-deck circle and take the stage. Here’s what these celeb pastors blast from the PA system as the lights dim and they step up to the plate – err, pulpit. Plus, we got a statement from each of them:

  1. John MacArthur – “Master of Puppets” by Metallica – “I like the Calvinistic bent of the puppet imagery. Plus, Kirk Hammett just slays in this song.”
  2. Benny Hinn – “Bodies” by Drowning Pool – “How did you get in here? Security is going to escort you out now.”
  3. Beth Moore – Whoops! Sorry, we said “pastors.” – “That was rude. I’m going to tell my boyfriend Jesus about this, y’all!”
  4. Jonathan Edwards – “Highway to Hell” by ACDC – “I like to remind my congregation that they are on the highway to hell, and that highway is a rotten covering, ready to crumble any moment as they fall into the pit of hell. You gotta love Bon Scott’s performance, too.”
  5. Carl Lentz – “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen – “What? It’s catchy.”
  6. Kenneth Copeland – “Number of the Beast” by Iron Maiden – “There’s no double meaning here. I just like Steve Harris’s bass chops and Bruce Dickinson’s blood-curdling scream. Legendary. Up the irons!”
  7. Joel Osteen – “Billionaire” by Travie McCoy and Bruno Mars – “I here and now seize God’s FAVOR to become a BILLIONAIRE one day by the power of God. That’s what Jesus died for, after all.”
  8. John Piper – “Fun, Fun, Fun” by The Beach Boys – “What a great reminder that we can be hedonistically satisfied by the glory of God as He is glorified in us!” [Piper accidentally slapped us with his hands while he was saying this, and a lawsuit is forthcoming]
  9. Paul Washer – “Here Comes the Pain” by Slayer – “Why are you guys asking me for a statement? I’m talking about YOU!”

Interesting! What song would you pick for your walk-up music?

Can this liberal California couple handle their new life in Texas?

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