SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Communists have jumped into the food delivery service scene with the new company “Red Apron”, which will deliver empty boxes to your home and then kill you.
“We are so excited to bring the best that Communist cuisine has to offer right to your doorstep,” said founder Justin Castro. “You can order steak, seafood, anything you want! No matter what you choose, we guarantee you will end up going hungry and being dragged away to the gulag or lined up against the wall.”
Mr. Castro said he was inspired to start “Red Apron” after hearing so many Americans praise the incredible riches of Communist Cuba. “It fills me with joy to hear Americans want to experience a little slice of Communist life,” he said as he loaded his pistol. “We here at Red Apron allow everyone to get a taste of what total equality is really like. You pay for the basic subscription, you starve, and go to the Gulag. Do you want a premium subscription? Starvation and gulag. Let’s go spread some equality, boys!”
Though unorthodox, the new company has thus far received universally outstanding reviews. “I am very happy with my empty box from Red Apron,” said local man Ronald Binford. “Communist food is so, so delicious. Also, there are zero COVID cases in China and Taiwan isn’t a country. The fact that I have a pistol aimed at my head right now has absolutely nothing to do with the very true words coming out of my mouth.”
Mr. Castro is reportedly planning to also start a communist landscaping crew, where they come to install cameras to monitor everything you do and then burn down your home.
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