WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Army’s first transgender officer Major Anna Gabrielian has been charged with conspiring to give secret information to Russia to aid them in their attack on Ukraine. As a result, Biden awarded Gabrielian with the Presidential Medal of Freedom for being the first-ever transgender traitor to America.

“We’ve had guys like Aaron Burr and Benedict Arnold — he’s a great guy, by the way, I know his daughter — but we’ve never had a traitor who identified as transgender. This is historic!” said Biden to those in attendance at the White House ceremony. “It’s not every day you get sold out to the Russians by a dude in a dress! How about that!”

Army officials admit they should have seen this coming when Gabrielian announced he felt like there were several more genders nested inside his body, one after the other, and that his pronouns were now “она/ей”. “He was right under our noses this whole time and we didn’t see it,” said one intelligence officer. “It was a pretty ballsy move to do what he did.”

Major Gabrielian will be sent to the women’s prison at GITMO to serve his sentence, breaking even more glass ceilings as the first transgender waterboarding victim.

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