HOUSTON, TX — Lakewood Church Pastor Joel Osteen has begun selling his own unique brand of table salt, which is completely devoid of any and all saltiness.
“It looks like salt, you can trick people into thinking it’s salt – but there’s absolutely zero saltiness!” said an excited Osteen. “And no matter what you do, it cannot be made salty again. Come try some at Lakewood today!”
Scientists have carefully studied the substance created by Osteen, which does indeed have the superficial appearance of salt but possess none of salt’s properties. “At first glance, an unfamiliar person really might confuse this with salt,” said researcher Dr. Sylvia Malone. “Yet, everything it touches degrades into death instead of being preserved. Nothing can be done to change Mr. Osteen’s substance, because its core is essentially a void. It’s quite deceptive.”
Mr. Osteen has started selling the new salt at booths throughout Lakewood church alongside copies of his newest book, How To Never Endure Suffering And Instead Make Everything Awesome. “I have worked for decades trying to root out every little remnant of saltiness,” said Mr. Osteen, teeth glimmering. “Trust me when I say there is nothing in my salt that is life-preserving, flavorful, or in any way contains the actual virtues of salt.”
Mr. Osteen reports that in addition to his new salt, he will also soon begin selling a lamp that you hide under a bowl.
Can this liberal California couple handle their new life in Texas?